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Bottoming Out

If I could be any less motivated, I'd never come back to work. I spent my morning at a meeting that didn't mean much, my lunchtime making a detour to get a badge I couldn't get because of missing paperwork, and my afternoon reading LJ and All Your Base Are Belong To Us webpages because I couldn't figure out where to start. I really need to move on. This place just isn't for me anymore. Even the meeting was half-hearted and uncomfortable.

I guess I'm weirdly wired for a guy. I need an emotional connection to the work I'm doing and the people I'm working with. Hell, I need an emotional connection for just about anything to feel right. I feel tightly wound like a spring, but more set like a trap. One poke in the wrong place and I know I'm going to go off on someone. That poke'll bring down the walls that are keeping that off to the side.

I can grin, I can laugh, I can shrug. All waves on the surface of my mood, with something deep below.

Echoing in my own head I hear the too quiet silence of anticipation. No birds sing and no crickets chirp; my mental wildlife know better than to wander cerebral pathways with this predator spotted in the area.

- Pookah


( 8 comments — Leave a comment )
Mar. 28th, 2001 02:54 pm (UTC)
sometimes things tell us when we're done with them.

I use emotion to get into a job. but i'm lucky--i'm a graphic designer, work is endless streaming jobs, and i see possibilities to attach emotion to all around me.

maybe i'm weirdly wired for a guy, too.
Mar. 29th, 2001 09:59 am (UTC)
This is definitely done. Unfortunately in this case, I'm one of those who holds on to hope well beyond the point of reason. I'd actually first thought about bailing out last summer, but someone else important to the project left first and I felt I couldn't leave with a good conscience. I muddled through and got things working, but then turned down the team lead position that was falling in my lap. I thought I'd have left by now, and being a team lead would've made for a messier break.

Instead, now I'm still here, and the things I saw in the distance and didn't want to cope with ... are now looming large in my face.

- Pookah
Mar. 29th, 2001 10:24 am (UTC)
i'm floating resume around. and i feel disloyal, even though i'm an at will employee. my current employer would discharge me if they needed to. but i feel that if i left, who would handle this project, or that one?

I think i stay in situations too long sometimes. but, even if i come out worse for wear, i guess i'm being true to myself. makes me wonder why i hang on so long, though.

and maybe we're not weirdly wired, but well wired for how we are. cheers to us!
Mar. 28th, 2001 08:16 pm (UTC)
Sounds like...
You could use a massage, sir.

Or several hugs and a cat.

Everyone's weirdly wired...
it's a fact of life :-)

CT and I have classified ourselves as the apathetic folks of the world.
Time to start a new organization.
We'll just call it
Mar. 30th, 2001 07:24 am (UTC)
Re: Sounds like...
Massage? Yeah, I'd love one of those.

Hugs and a cat? Another cool idea. Cats and I get along real well.

And I guess anyone could join Bluh, because the rest of the membership wouldn't really care.

- Pookah
Mar. 30th, 2001 11:16 am (UTC)
Re: Sounds like...
I love cats.

Ever heard about the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don't know... and I don't care.

One of our vocabulary words this week was 'ennui'
I found out it was pronounced 'on way'
I'll continue to say
'en yew eye'
Apr. 1st, 2001 04:47 pm (UTC)
Re: Sounds like...
For one of my birthdays, my aunt went out and got me a cheetah-spot-print towel.

And I remember a couple long discussions as to whether it was worse to be generally ignorant or generally apathetic.

Ennui is one of those weird words, like segue. On-you-ie should be the real pronunciation.

- Pookah
Apr. 1st, 2001 05:33 pm (UTC)
Is that...
On you eee or on you eye?

I like how segue is pronounced.

I'd think generally apathetic is worse.
Generally ignorant can be fixed if you care.
( 8 comments — Leave a comment )

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