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Being Good

I was generally the "good kid" who no one expected to do anything wrong. Mostly true, but I got away with plenty by being either above the law or above suspicion, sometimes merely by benefit of the doubt or reputation. Most of the time, I really just became whoever was handy for the situation. Played along. That's part of what got me into some of my issues with the natures of truth and perception, and how they could be manipulated to my benefit. A habit harder for me to put down than any other.

Oddly enough I eventually learned three things.
1) Left to my own devices or when not accomodating someone else's opinion of me, I was a decent individual.
2) This individual had a conscience, and though I often used those skills to benefit someone else, it became harder to do and keep my conscience clear, especially as the number of friends I had went up and agendas set in.
3) This conscience also knew that bringing the whole mess down was only going to make for a bad end.

I'm still a "good kid". But I could've been better, and I know it. I've always been full of good intentions; I'm just getting better at ferreting out the ones that will later lead to comments of "But I meant well ..."

That drive to do better makes decent motivation, but makes hindsight a little more painful. A day doesn't go by that I don't end up reminded of something I regret having done. Which in turn drives the "think of now" mindset. Which means not always properly gauging long-term impact. Which puts it into, you guessed it, a viscious cycle.

I'm dealing with the regret better, though. Partly through getting better in tune with my own guidelines, my own opinions, my own expectations.

I'd been too busy juggling everyone else's.

- Pookah

Comments

ekilon
Mar. 17th, 2001 09:06 pm (UTC)
Fascination.
Long ago... like... maybe the beginning of last year... we made up terminology...

there's a difference between interesting and fascinating.

Interesting is what it's always been. Catches your interest, y'like it.

Fascinating has dual meanings. The first? Bad. How was you day? Fascinating. Oh, I'm sorry...
the second? Exceptionally naughty. How was your day? Fascinating ;-) OH! Tell me about it!!

It's amusing *grins*
especially when people tell you that various things are fascinating :-)
pookah
Mar. 18th, 2001 08:10 am (UTC)
Dual-Action Meaning
Well then, I got the word right.

After all, you have to have contact to notice the vibration ... and touch lightly, to let it move instead of muting it ...

Like I said, I'm thankful for that "fascination" factor. By your terms, that'd be in addition to the interesting factor.

Interesting was that there's one low note I would hit that was a perfect harmonic with my father's Toyota's dashboard ... and so if I sang that note loud enough, the dash would resonate a little. Time had loosened it enough to shake sometimes, and it was just enough to echo to that note. That's merely interesting.

- Pookah
ekilon
Mar. 18th, 2001 03:49 pm (UTC)
I just thought you'd like to know
exactly how you got that right.
and yes, rumble can be fascinating.
and that's not merely interesting.
that's wonderful.
I like to ahm over my guitar... it rings real softly. On most notes, you get the strings' reactions... but if you get the right one, it's the actual wood.
and it's lovely.
the thing that bothered me about playing french horn was that whenever I hit a 'g', the windows in the band room would rattle. It bugged me like heck. I hated playing 'g's.

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