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Being Good

I was generally the "good kid" who no one expected to do anything wrong. Mostly true, but I got away with plenty by being either above the law or above suspicion, sometimes merely by benefit of the doubt or reputation. Most of the time, I really just became whoever was handy for the situation. Played along. That's part of what got me into some of my issues with the natures of truth and perception, and how they could be manipulated to my benefit. A habit harder for me to put down than any other.

Oddly enough I eventually learned three things.
1) Left to my own devices or when not accomodating someone else's opinion of me, I was a decent individual.
2) This individual had a conscience, and though I often used those skills to benefit someone else, it became harder to do and keep my conscience clear, especially as the number of friends I had went up and agendas set in.
3) This conscience also knew that bringing the whole mess down was only going to make for a bad end.

I'm still a "good kid". But I could've been better, and I know it. I've always been full of good intentions; I'm just getting better at ferreting out the ones that will later lead to comments of "But I meant well ..."

That drive to do better makes decent motivation, but makes hindsight a little more painful. A day doesn't go by that I don't end up reminded of something I regret having done. Which in turn drives the "think of now" mindset. Which means not always properly gauging long-term impact. Which puts it into, you guessed it, a viscious cycle.

I'm dealing with the regret better, though. Partly through getting better in tune with my own guidelines, my own opinions, my own expectations.

I'd been too busy juggling everyone else's.

- Pookah

Comments

pookah
Mar. 15th, 2001 09:39 am (UTC)
Recorders Live In Front Of Our Studio Audience
Verses, verses, verses.

TMBG was my first pseudo-rock concert, actually. I saw them at Johns Hopkins University on their Apollo 18 tour.

The sun is a mass of incandescent gas
A blazing nuclear furnace
Where hydrogen is built into helium
At a temperature of thousands of degrees ...

The sun is big
The sun is hot
The sun is far awaaaaay ...

I'll be humming it all day now. Heh.

My father was a Beatles fan, but more of a Beach Boys fan. He still has a tall stack of LPs in the basement.

Argh ... meeting time. Bleah.

- Pookah
ekilon
Mar. 15th, 2001 02:34 pm (UTC)
sorry, but...
The Beatles will always be the best :-)

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