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Being Good

I was generally the "good kid" who no one expected to do anything wrong. Mostly true, but I got away with plenty by being either above the law or above suspicion, sometimes merely by benefit of the doubt or reputation. Most of the time, I really just became whoever was handy for the situation. Played along. That's part of what got me into some of my issues with the natures of truth and perception, and how they could be manipulated to my benefit. A habit harder for me to put down than any other.

Oddly enough I eventually learned three things.
1) Left to my own devices or when not accomodating someone else's opinion of me, I was a decent individual.
2) This individual had a conscience, and though I often used those skills to benefit someone else, it became harder to do and keep my conscience clear, especially as the number of friends I had went up and agendas set in.
3) This conscience also knew that bringing the whole mess down was only going to make for a bad end.

I'm still a "good kid". But I could've been better, and I know it. I've always been full of good intentions; I'm just getting better at ferreting out the ones that will later lead to comments of "But I meant well ..."

That drive to do better makes decent motivation, but makes hindsight a little more painful. A day doesn't go by that I don't end up reminded of something I regret having done. Which in turn drives the "think of now" mindset. Which means not always properly gauging long-term impact. Which puts it into, you guessed it, a viscious cycle.

I'm dealing with the regret better, though. Partly through getting better in tune with my own guidelines, my own opinions, my own expectations.

I'd been too busy juggling everyone else's.

- Pookah


Mar. 10th, 2001 12:53 pm (UTC)
hmm...it sounds like you are really focusing and fine-tuning yourself.

I am glad you are handling the regret better....I have very few regrets in my life...

I'll bet if you looked back much of the choices you made were the best decisions you were capable of making at that time...
Mar. 12th, 2001 08:05 am (UTC)
The best decisions I was capable of making at the time. That does sound reasonable. Few of my regrets are of the knowingly-choose-the-"wrong"-thing type.

The no-win situations I led myself into are up there. The times I've had to disappoint people are up there.

It seems like the answer is more coming to terms with the truth of my own imperfection than coming to terms with the things I've done.

Doesn't make it any easier, but not everything's easy.

- Pookah

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