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Commute From Hell!

Today's commute was the roughest I've had in a while.

The morning sun had snarled traffic on the northeast corner of the city as it can sometimes do. That made me late for my usual commuter train. Well, that and the fact that I had not counted on my windshield being frosted over. It didn't seem that humid yesterday evening. It didn't seem that much colder today than the day before. Seeming doesn't make a difference, so I ended up scraping ice and fighting traffic.

Traffic won, I was late. In the rush I even left my cell phone and glasses at home. But it got worse when I got to the subway. I can't say I wanted to get to work but being even later was not an option, so I hopped on the first train that pulled in. That was a mistake. The smell should have been a warning. I'm not sure how I didn't notice before I got on the train, but there they were, pigs taking over half the seats. I should probably call them hogs. The tops of their heads were around the height of my waist and they clearly outweighed me. My nose should have caught them before my eyes did. I've been next to homeless folks with less of a stench about them.

I'm sure it had to take some kind of lie to get them on board. I mean seriously, who lets pigs onto a subway train! What were they, service pigs? Give me a break. There was only one man willing or able to sit in the middle of all the pigs. I guessed they were his since they paid him no mind. As they milled about the end of the car no one could even get by to use the seats if they wanted to. At the second stop there were people who wouldn't even board the train. This was going way too far.

I could tell no one else on the train was willing to say anything. They all averted their eyes or were conveniently looking away. So I told the man what I thought of the whole service pig idea. He didn't take kindly to that and repaid me with a a solid stare. Creepy isn't the half of it. EACH ONE OF THOSE DAMN SOWS WAS LOOKING AT ME. How do you train pigs to do that? Old Billy Ray or whatever his name is simply whistled and before I could do anything about it I was cornered against the doors as bad as a rush hour crush, swarmed by swine! Worse yet, they hustled me out the door at the next stop like they were bouncing me from a bar. Their bar. Hey, I ride the Metro every workday, it should be MY turf if it belonged to anybody. And they just STARED, daring me to jump back on. Yeah, the doors closed before I could do anything about it. I mean, frankly, I wasn't going to go crowdsurfing in a subway car on a bunch of smelly rude-ass hogs. Would you? That's not even fair. And the people on the train were just looking at me like it was MY fault, or pretending not to look and burying their noses in newspaper. So maaaaaaybe I made a scene and cussed the guy out as the train pulled away ... there's no way I'm the first loud cussing guy at a train station they've ever seen.

The next train took ten minutes to get there. I was so late I missed my first conference call. And my coworkers thought the smell was me! Damn pigs. Couldn't they have just stayed at their end of the car! It's not like I could just go home and shower! My house is the next state over!

That's it. I'm having pork chops for dinner. Serves them right, those righteous bastards. Couldn't even share a seat. Heh, serves them right. I like that pun. Or maybe I should have some corn. A lot of corn. That would be good right now. And a bath. My nose hasn't felt right all day. I need to donate these pants anyway. They're still good but way too tight. Why didn't I notice this morning? I had to take off my belt at lunchtime. This hat doesn't fit either. Were my ears always this big? God I'm hungry. I can barely type straight I'm so hungry. Maybe ribs. With potatoes. And carrots. After a snack. Why do they make these potato chip bags so hard to open? I'll take it out on the carrots. I'll be back after I raid the fridge.

- Pookah

PS: Oh yeah, happy Rabbit Hole Day.
PSS: Credit where credit's due. Thanks to rikkila for giving me a better idea than either of the two I thought I'd write, and to bansidhe for the best I've read. Trust me, this one from 2006 and this follow-up are the best I've read (not counting this year).


( 8 comments — Leave a comment )
Jan. 28th, 2010 03:28 am (UTC)
*beams!* Thank you so much! I'm all blushy-like. :D
(I have to admit, I'm still trying to top the lycanthropy day entry.)
Jan. 28th, 2010 03:53 am (UTC)
The props were totally earned. This is the first year since then that I managed to both remember the date and have a story worth writing, but that entry is how I found out about RHD in the first place.

Now I just need to get more practice writing decent fiction ...

- Pookah
Jan. 28th, 2010 04:28 am (UTC)
Jan. 28th, 2010 04:28 am (UTC)
Loved it!

The end was pretty subtle. Took me a while to get the end.
Jan. 28th, 2010 03:32 pm (UTC)
Thanks. I rewrote the last paragraph a few times. I didn't want to use the word oink in there, but may have still been a little too subtle.

And I cut a few puns. Like a comment about the narrator's boorish behavior or "who are they to call me pig-headed."

- Pookah
Jan. 28th, 2010 03:12 pm (UTC)
Wow, that's an impressive commute. Can I show my brother? He posts his commuter tribulations on facebook every day, but maybe this will make him feel better. :)
Jan. 28th, 2010 04:23 pm (UTC)
Sure, pass it on. I hope it makes his commute a little easier to take.

- Pookah
Jan. 30th, 2010 12:54 am (UTC)
Very impressive. Take away the car and replace the pigs with crackheads and you have my commute.
( 8 comments — Leave a comment )

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