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Reflection

It just hit me just how impulsive and spur-of-the-moment I am.

I've known for a while how I can be cagey, whimsical, and prone to daydreams and flights of fancy. And indulging those impulses certainly makes life more enjoyable than denying them. But it's as much the contentment of sated desire as in the actual objective.

I've already said how my ability to focus is top-rate. It could also be said that I zone out on things a lot easier and deeper than other people. Depends on your chosen connotation. But the trick is that with effort I can "pull out" of the zone, fight that drive to stay on-task, break that almost-obsession.

That could be more my problem. I've had so many brief obsessions over things, I find new ones quickly. It does bother me when something I've spent hours on goes out the window for whatever reason, but once I let go of it, I might never remember or feel the same way about it again. The feeling went with the moment, and when it goes, it goes.

It's easier (and honestly more comfortable) to admit to that as far as computer games go. It's also easier to see how casually I've switched from one to the other. But now I'm seeing the signs of how it really does go beyond that.

Makes it harder to stay committed to anything, and all these shards I thought I had ... just states of mind come back to me, collections of impulses I ride for a while.

How can I swear to something and be so totally convinced one day, and days later I couldn't even predict if I'd feel as strongly? Could it be some kind of defense mechanism? My emotions can be very strong, both the good and the bad, the up and the down, and everything in between. I've gotten much better at letting it out and letting it go. Maybe I'm letting it out too much.

I might actually be unknowingly sabotaging the stability of self I keep looking for. Maybe I just need to set more medium-term goals, because right now, I have none. No plan. Some eventually's, some sooner-or-later's, but no plan. Most of the time I've reveled in improvisation and bragged about how I could wing just about anything. Maybe I was just taking advantage of the fact that I've perfected the art of making do, so much so that anything will do. Taking advantage of my own irrepressibility.

Hard to know for sure. Maybe even this is just a phase, a flickering glint of light shining from an object that I can only prove is reflective. Because I know darn well I reflect. I just don't know for sure where the light really comes from.

- Pookah

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