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It's hard to describe. It's like waking up. Not that I was really sleeping, but those few dazed moments of recollection as details like the room you're in and the time of day come flying back into your consciousness. It can be, at times, much like an addiction. It would have taken strength I could not muster and discipline I do not have to struggle in a fight I did not want to make. Worse yet, many would argue that I should not have to.

I sometimes wonder if it's like Alvin the Maker's battle against the Unmaker from the books by Orson Scott Card. The simple existence of a thing undone can nag at me with a voice that can range from a whisper to a crescendo. I forge ahead into long hours and achievements by what is certainly a "denial of the self" on some level. But even then it is only borrowed time, as eventually something will come up and the donkey refuses to pull the cart.

To make things un-vague, I've been working hard but not doing my second shift work. However, I just finally finished The Exodus from the Long Sun, completing the story of Patera Calde Silk. Good book, but I'm now tighter on a deadline than ever.


Saturday was primarily shopping. We looked at Saturns. The new Auras are in stock. Came in last Wednesday. It drives nice, but it may be more car than I need. My coupe still rolls fine, and I didn't take kindly to the suggestion of bringing it in for an appraisal. Looking at new cars was one thing, but planning for actually surrendering my Saturn? That has been mine for 130,000 miles and 7 1/2 years now?

Sunday was the wedding. It was great, held at the small church next to Edgar Allan Poe's tombstone. They had a handfasting, an exchange of rings, stomped a glass as people yelled "Mazel Tov!", and held open karaoke all through the reception. For my part, I sang TMBG's Birdhouse in Your Soul, then chimed in with some assistance on Monster Mash and TMBG's Istanbul (Not Constantinople). That last song I did as a duet with the groom. That first song I had half the room singing back at me. There were a number of good singers there, I was way outclassed.

Monday/Tuesday/Wednesday? Oh, I've worked, but even staring into the inky blackness of obsession with a story I didn't pull my head out of the sand. Worse yet, I failed to notify my superiors. Now I'm tight on two deadlines at the same time, and it wouldn't be nearly so bad had I only either (A) bailed on the responsibility or (B) started this a week ago.

I've said it before, I'll say it again. I can do the work of more than one man, but at a cost, and it's not sustainable. I just wish I had more warning when my brain would say "No more!" So ... somehow, I need to change my responsibilities and keep them there.

I just realized I still haven't written about Friday's weirdness. I've talked about it, but should share stories later. And photos from earlier this month. And many other things (not just work) I've been lax with. Gah. Busy, busy, busy. Always something.

- Pookah

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