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Words words and many a drop to drink

Setting up my own machine is going well ... with help from another developer. I've got it set up behind my own firewall, and have confirmed that I can control poking holes in it to the outside world if I need to have other people off-site look at something, since I can't just have them look at my screen and such.

My usual Monday night hangout was down a man. Generally, a guy who's been very picky in his gaming and slow to get into computer games has taken to Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic and its sequel like a duck to water. We're talking near obsessive. I talked with another friend tonight, his roommate. Apparently, the only times he's been his usual self is around his new girlfriend. The carrying-on generally-good-mood guy I've known for years. He carries a lot of stress around with him, and that she helps him let it go is a good sign. My other friend is also in improved spirits. His job situation is improving, and he got a big sale at the store in the middle of double commission week. A female friend of his may soon be flying out from Vegas to see him. The guys-night Monday crowd has generally kept me at arms length from their women ... they seem to segregate guy things from couple things, and only a few times have they actually organized "double-dates" with my wife and I. I know they think she's cool ... which makes me wonder about where I stand.

Today was a very mixed-message day. Work-wise, that is. Progress without progress, a meeting with more meetings planned, venting without getting it all out, talking of a new plan when the old plan was no plan. My motivation from the weekend is carrying over, I just don't have a great setup for development, so my motivation has gone into trying to set up said box.

Bleah. Stupid hacker. NO BISCUIT! So instead, I read. Split between Ken Akamatsu's earlier work (bought at DC's Union Station on a whim) and some writing from a friend.

My pen has found itself again, though some of it I know not where it came from. I threw away a poem today. I wrote it, then hated it and its message immediately. It was like spitting. I mean, sometimes things come to mind unbidden and unrelated. Sometimes I just don't want to own up to the feelings behind it. I mean, as far as my writings have gone, there's a difference between published work and the unpublished journals. (This LJ I consider to be somewhere in the middle.) There's a big difference in readership, and my trust issues play a big role in that. What trust issues you say? I am a pookah, I keep my mystery about me all the time, and just because I'm being honest doesn't mean the whole truth, so help me God. That is the deal I've struck with myself to keep from tearing myself to shreds, for there are moments where I look at myself and I never know what I'll see. Good, bad, ugly? They're all there if you know where to look, and I do. No matter what anyone ever says to me or does to me, I can be my own worst critic. I can soldier on with the best of them, but I've always been good at hiding things. So when it comes to writing that openly reveals a piece of me? Touchy. Very touchy. I admit that I'm flighty about it. If I think you've got ulterior motives or the potential to do me harm with it, I spook. Anything creative of mine. Hell, there's plenty of things that make me spook. I can get why unicorns are picky in their company but only virgins? That's no guarantee either.

Thankfully, it's times like those that I lose myself in song and sound. Catharsis. It's not just an amazing scrabble word to build off of CAT.

Who am I supposed to be?
I can't be sure that the next one will see me

And if the sky starts falling on the street outside
The only thing that satisfies
If the sky starts falling on the heads outside
The only thing that keeps me alive

If you see her again
Be sure to say hello
Be sure to send my love
Did she seem like before
Could you seem above it all
Be sure to send my love

Wake up, waking up to see
It's a sign that what will be will be

And if the sky starts falling on the street outside
The only thing that satisfies
If the sky starts falling on the heads outside
The only thing that keeps me alive

I swear I heard her call, call my name
I swear I heard her call, can I move on

If you see her again
Be sure to say hello
Be sure to send my love
Did she seem like before
Can't you see above it all
Be sure to send my love

I swear I heard her call, call my name
I swear I heard her call, can I move on

Did she call herself a friend?
Don't call on me again
Don't call on me again
Did she seem like before
Did she seem above it all
Be sure to send my love


In terms of writing, I was also able to continue a L5R related story I'd started writing a while ago while I was on the train south. When it's ready, I'll post it here.

- Pookah

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